Iggyism

Man. Sometimes you just get one of those ideas thats so good it makes all your other good ideas look hardly good at all compared to how good the good idea is. Damn this is good. Ok, so you ready? You should probably be sitting down. No! Lying down. Or even better - prostrated down (always liked using that word, people always think you're talking about the gland).

Anyway. Here it is.

I've decided to start a religion. Huh? Huh? Pretty good huh? I was thinking of a lot of names for it but I've decided I'm calling it "Iggyism". Now mind you, I just think this is a really cool name - the religion is not about worshipping Iggy (I mean really, apart from a few misguided nephews and the girl I dated who thought I was a mystic cuz I guessed her birthday - who's *really* going to fall for that?). No one. Thats who. We going to need something far more mysterious (and cool) to worship. (not to mention - I'm totally going to be just a prophet - read below!)

So you're probably thinking we don't neeeed another religion? Wrong! Ok, right. But actually - we never need new religions - they always just pop up and whammo, the offering plate is flying through pews faster than my gramma with tourettes at a limburger factory. So here's the executive business plan (I worked all last nite on this):

1) Start Religion
2) ????
3) Followers!

There's still a few rough spots in it but I think its a solid start. I bet a lot of religions started with this business plan whether they knew it or not. As far as details go, I think I have the general recipe. And I'm going to lay on you the most amazing part of all right first. You don't actually have to tell folks what they're going to be worshipping. You just need to make it sound *really* cool and super secret. And then make promises that if they're REALLY good and REALLY um, iggyish (or something) they'll get to know more. What you *do* need right off is some prophets. These guys are called prophets because, well, you guessed it - they're the ones that profit!

And being a prophet is a really good job - and not like "working at ice cream store" good either - I mean *really* good. See prophets get to change the rules as they go along. In fact, they HAVE to change the rules - a lot. If any of the followers ever actually learn the rules - they won't need the prophets anymore! But if the rules keep changing, the followers perpetually think they need guidance. Its silly when you think about it, all you have to do is set up a few very simple rules and then just keep modifying them just a little bit. The followers then just keep listening to the prophets, feeling enlightened and giving them money (in the IT industry we call these people "XP consultants").

Now changing the rules has other benefits besides just job security. If you're a skilled prophet you can change the rules on a moment's notice to be to your advantage. I tried this last friday. I was at a bar where, on the fly, I ever so slightly modified the Iggyism tenet that "Everyone should be, like, pretty nice to each other" to "All blonde girls should date ME".

Granted, there was some initial resistance to this amongst the flock. And one very large dude/flock-member wanted to kick my ass (why is it always that BIG dudes want to kick my ass? Why can't just once, someone littler than me threaten to kick my ass?) but I think we're making progress. I think I'm going to modify the rules a little more subtly from now on. In fact, the new rule is "Everyone should be, like, nice to each other - especially if you're blonde and I'm a prophet" (see how I worked that in?).

Another thing you need is to be able to tell people what heaven is like. Of course only you (i.e, prophet) knows exactly and this certainly follows the it-can-change-whenever-you-need-it-to rule. Every religion should have a heaven and it should ROCK. I mean if you told your flock - be good and give me money and then when you die its gonna suck - you are NOT going to get followers.
Some religions promise "You get to worship God forever!" - I dunno about you, but that doesn't exactly have me too excited to die.

I want panache. I want flair. Heaven needs to be something super fun. Others promise you stuff like virgins, chocolate, and Beer volcanos. NOW we're talking! If I gotta die and I have to be "good" my entire life, a beer volcano isn't exactly worth it but its a damn good start. And like Nintendos (with all the cartridges (cept the stinky ones)) and chips and coke (or pepsi). And skeeball courts (free). And free laundry. See where this is going? Sounding pretty good huh?

You'd think you need a church (as in, an actual building) - but surprisingly you don't (You might want one later though just as a hang out spot). To start, you just need a decent way for your prophets to get the message to the people. Stumps in town square used to work - but of course, thats old school. These days - you need a website - and paypal (btw - on it).

And of course (there was some foreshadowing earlier) your religion needs some rules. And (also surprisingly) the rules have to suck. In fact, some of them should suck so bad that realistically NO one is going to follow them all. See, then you're guaranteed that the followers break them and look at themselves as having done wrong and then need atonement which of course your prophets can give! You can even mess with people - here's some rules in Iggyism:

1) You must drink often in the evening with members of the opposite gender
2) No sex before you're married

haha. Those two kill me.

3) And don't be playing with yourself neither.

hehe. right. Oh! and...

4) but its ok for prophets to sleep around and stuff cuz they're, ya know, prophets.

(phew.. had to make sure to get that one in).

Given that you're not a prophet, you probably already broke a few of these just reading this paragraph. Thats the point!

I am however definitely getting rid of all the old rules that are useless. Some sort of classic religious rules seem to be based on someone's archaic viewpoint of whats right and whats wrong (oh, yeah, by the way - your religion has to be about being good - because people like to think of themselves as "good". The only religion that bucked that trend was I think Satanism and there's really not too much room for any more religions like that - not to mention no one really needs the FBI breathing down their neck).

Anyway, pretty much any rule in any religion that doesn't help advance the church (financially) is out. Gays, lesbians, straights, breeders, whatever - all welcome. You into sodomy (pun!) - no problem. Do you covet stuff (whatever that means)? Encouraged! Want to use God's name in vain? Heck we don't even have a God - use all the vain you like!

Now if you're a devout member of some other religion, thats cool. But you're also probably pretty much thinking I'm going to hell. Well.. you're probably right. When you think about it though, everyone thinks someone is going to hell right? If you're a member of religion X, there is someone of religion Y somewhere that is convinced only members of religion Y can go to heaven - which by process of elimination means you are going to hell according to them. Now they're all screwy in the head and stuff, but thats of course what they think of you.

This used to bother me a bit but then I realized something. The good news about going to hell is that you're pretty much off the hook for the rest of your life. I mean, if I'm surely going to hell - I really don't have anyone to impress anymore. I can like waste food and be mean to puppies and I'm still going to hell just as much as I was going to before all that. Its not like you can go to hell twice. What are they gonna do? You like get there and they say "Oh man - you were EXTRA bad - we're gonna make hell SUCK for you!" Hello!? Its Hell! It sucks for everyone - thats why they call it Hell!

If you're not in another religion though - I encourage you to think about Iggyism. We have frequent mixers and lots of fun people (or at least we will). I'm pretty sure every now and then after a few beers me and the other prophets (to be appointed and/or divinely inspired) will say stuff like "Our deity says its ok for everyone to have premarital sex tonite! woohoo!" - heck, who knows what will happen. I assure you though - this is going to be one fun religion.

The Squirt-Gun Offense

Kids! don't read this ... its dangerous advice

While attending a not-so-recent computer conference I stayed at a rather interesting hotel in San Francisco's tenderloin district. The hotel provided an adequate coffee and donut breakfast each morning. I came into the eating room one morning, grabbed a jelly-filled, a cup of coffee and had a seat. Across from me was a well-dressed man munching happily. Before we could start a conversation, the hotel manager walked up to him and stated "Sir.. these donuts are for guests only."

The man stood up with a smile and walked out leaving a half-eaten cruller on the table (possibly this being the biggest crime). The whole event struck me and I warily looked at the hotel manager to see if he was about to yell at me next (although I truly was a guest). The donut thief's nerve was pretty impressive. He wore a business suit and maybe stopped in at random hotels on his way to work every morning and munched free crullers. If he was ever caught he simply got up and left. Now say what you will but this guy truly was a thief. He was stealing. Granted, it wasn't a lot of monetary value he made off with but he was a thief nonetheless. The question as to why the hotel manager didn't call the police is unneeded. The offense simply wasn't that big of a deal. The police would have been overkill and probably cost the hotel more angst than simply booting the guy out.

The bottom line is .. this guy got away scot-free. He got half a cruller, a few slurps of coffee and was politely asked to leave. Welcome to planet earth - where small crimes are unpunishable. Or, more precisely, where retaliation for small crimes can be more expensive than the crime itself.

I decided to test my theory more. I happen to be a speaker at this conference but that afforded me little except access to the speaker ready room (which coincidentally included yet more donuts and coffee). Speakers did not get the privilege of entering the exhibit hall prior to its opening time. Getting in a few minutes early would not be bad since there are no crowds and the exhibitors are all too happy to talk (and give free schwag) to speakers.

The guards at the entryway must have been retired military too - their only insecurity seemed to lie in the fact that they weren't allowed their M16s at this gig. The donut-thief inspired me. What if I tried a forced entry? Would I go to jail? Would I get kicked out of the conference? Would ANYTHING happen besides someone stopping me and telling me I "wasn't supposed to be there"? No, nope, nuh uh, and not a chance.

I went for it. I looked confident and strolled in between the two para-military at the door. They glanced at my badge with strained necks so I picked up my pace. I got past them before they jumped me.

Guard-1 put his hand on my shoulder "Sir! you can't go in.. sorry.. no non-exhibitors in before 10"
(Guard 2 immediately assumed the "drunken dragon" stance from what appeared to be a style of wing-chin kung fu)
I confidently replied "um.. I.."
Guard-1 interrupted me "Oh wait, speakers have a meeting in here today don't they?"
I pretended to have a clue "Um.. yeah!"

Now here's Tyma's life rule #152. If someone believes something wrong - but you WANT them to believe that wrong thing -- say as little as possible. Your words can only screw things up. I knew this. I shut up. I kept walking.

As I filled my bags with polyester t-shirts I didn't need, squeezing toys with company logos on them, and the occasional usb-drive key fobs I thought more about this whole concept. Its real simple - break the rules with no consequences. Usually the crimes you commit are small - but the trick is that they can add up. The business man from above could probably eat free every day. Getting into places your not supposed to (like conference exhibit halls pre-opening) often have advantages - after all - they are keeping you out for a reason. All you need for this little plan is some confidence. Our business man wasn't embarrased or frightened when asked to leave - to him - it was simply the end of this opportunity. On to the next.

Now it sounds like I'm a proponent of this whole underhanded way of life. I do believe you should reach out and grab what you can in life lest it pass you by. But I hate it when I am the victim of these little trangressions a lot. There must be a way to punish these mini-evil-doers. After playing with this idea for a long time I've come up with a name for it -- the "Squirt-gun offense". Succinctly, this describes any offense that the logical retaliation would step "over the line" and thus you really can't do it. The idea is that if you can't retaliate like you like to, you can at least soak the perpetrator in water. For example:

1) Someone maliciously cuts you off in traffic in a personal way.
Correct response: Side-swipe them and give them the finger.
Why you can't do that: Your insurance goes up and you might injure your finger.
So what you usually do: Attempt to cut him off in return or get yelled at by your wife for trying and sit back in traffic as the loser.

2) Your business rival asks if your wife has quit her Jenny Craig program again.
Correct response: Comment that you used to sleep with his wife and you're glad that's over.
Why you can't do that: You've overstepped the line - he'll punch you. His insult was subtle - yours is an attack. It would make sense to retaliate with a subtle insult but that's hard to do once your mad from his comment. Your intent is to retaliate hard at this point. His subtle insult was really an attack to, but as a conversation opener and given with the right tone, it could be cloaked as concern.
So what you usually do: Smile and comment on your wife's successes.

3) Someone off the street has the nerve to crash your wedding reception and eat/drink.
Correct response: Have the groomsmen take him out back and beat the living snot out of him for trying to ruin someone's special day..
Why you can't do that: Groomsmen will get in trouble and they are your friends (presumably).
So what you usually do: Politely ask him to leave now that he's full and hope he doesn't make a scene.


Shooting someone with a squirt-gun is probably illegal (squirting with intent to dampen) but it's not likely you'll get busted for it. If you do it, you'll probably make the target mad - but there really isn't much they can do about without stepping over the invisible line themselves. If they whack you - its a whole new ball game. The judge is not going deem assault "ok if first squirted with water". A better plan by the hotel manager from our first story would have been to simply walk up to the business man and start pelting him with shots from a super soaker. What's the business guy going to do? Tell the cops they squirted him? Heck, he stole donuts - I think its even.

The paramilitary guys guarding the exhibitor hall looked downright uncomfortable not having a weapon of some sort in their hands. I doubt a greanie-meanie squirt cannon would have satisfied them completely, but it would have been a step in the right direction. They would have begged for offenders.

Honestly, I haven't found a solution to the problem of being the victim. I don't think there is one that works in every instance. Quick wit is a big helper in a lot of cases but doesn't do much if someone cuts you off in traffic.

However, at least now I have a name for the type of situation I'm describing. Anytime someone does something that makes me want to retailiate but circumstances prevent me from logically doing so, I should squirt them with water - they committed a "squirt gun offense". The more it happens to me, the more I try to learn from it.

I try my best to not be the victim, but if you get me, congratulations. And I hope you're wearing waterproof undies.